Covid-19: My anxiety

⁣My anxiety level has been sky high in the last week. I have cried more tears in the last 7 days than I have in the last 10 years of my life. ⠀

I’m sure my anxiety stems from the massive amount of guilt I feel during this pandemic. As a highly trained PA currently practicing in urgent care, I should be out there seeing patients and doing my part to keep my community safe. Instead, maternity leave has me at home soaking in all the newborn cuddles and doing these Coronavirus rants. ⠀

Last week, I volunteered to go back to work against the advice of my OB, pediatrician, and colleagues, knowing very well that I may be putting my infant and husband at high risk. I have accepted the fact that I may have to isolate myself from them for quite some time to protect them. â €

When I told my mother my intentions to return to work, she responded with “Don’t be stupid. You have a family. Think about your family and your two sons”. ⠀

I can’t help but respond with “But what about everyone else’s family and their two sons?” ⠀

What about them? Who’s going to look after them? ⠀

While I wait for the green light from the legal department for me to return to work, I sit here in silence trying to figure out my WHY. Why am I so active on this platform with all this Coronavirus talk? Why spend hours reading data and writing posts and captioning my IG stories? ⠀⠀

Who am I helping really? 

Then I realize this is how I cope with my guilt.  Through this platform, I’ve given over 50+ telemedicine consults to my friends and strangers on the internet. I’ve gotten over hundreds of shares on my posts reaching 1000s of people. â €

But more importantly, I’m helping all the frontline workers who does not have a voice at this time. The ones that tells me they are terrified to walk into work everyday. The ones that want to stay home with their family and complain about being bored but can’t. The ones that wishes they weren’t asked to wear handmade bandana and scarves when they run out of masks next week. ⠀

And those are people are my people. The people that needs to get up and read evidence based medicine and educate the masses. They are the ones that needs me to tell their stories.

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